Gee, Officer Krupke...

At least they realized that society is constantly trying to tell you who you are and why you do what you do, yeah? I never realized how often this happens until the past few years. The brilliant part is, every motive seems to be a flaw of some sort. Which is... yanno. Whatever. Everyone IS flawed. But the crazy thing about flaws is that those can be misunderstood as well.If you're misunderstanding that, are you misunderstanding an entire personality? I guess I'm rambling. It makes sense to me though.

My boyfriend and I have been planning our first family vacation for a few months now. We decided we're going camping. I have been over the moon about it, and we've spent the last few weeks stocking up on essential camping supplies and researching the area, making checklists, etc. For a while there we considered inviting other people to come along, and I already can't remember if it was pretty much just me that was against the idea, or if it really was a mutual choice. All I know is that I made it pretty clear that I wanted it to be a 'family' vacation. And this is why I thought we were purchasing all our own camping stuff, because we weren't going to be borrowing or depending on anyone else's.

Tris invited his brother and his niece last night. I have been thoroughly upset about it and dreading the trip ever since. And he knows that. But he also seems to be slightly annoyed that I am so against this, which leads me to believe he's misreading me. This isn't a selfish thing like I believe he thinks it is.

The truth is, I have SEVERE self-consciousness issues. I spend every moment of every day completely engrossed by how my appearance, words, and actions may be judged. I think that anyone that went to high school with me probably doesn't believe a word of it, but it's true. I honestly live each day in fear that I won't come off 'right' or that someone won't approve.

I fret about bizarre shit like the appropriate length of time to be in a bathroom. Too short, and someone might think I don't wipe thoroughly or wash my hands or something. Too long, and I must have health issues. I don't want anyone knowing I'm taking a dump. You give me just one single innocent everyday situation, and my head WILL blow a gasket trying to figure out how to deal with it. I have issues ordering food. I spend hours psyching myself up to make phone calls, even if it's just to talk to an automated system and pay a bill. It's even worse if I'm planning on talking to a friend. Even my brother. And when I am talking to whoever, I feel like they can SENSE how anxious I really am. And quite frankly, it's all getting worse as I get older. I feel like anyone that looks at me knows my entire life story, and my anxiety is growing as more and more less than desirable things occur.

I am only COMPLETELY comfortable with a very very small percentage of the people in my lives. Those would be my kids. I am 75% comfortable around Tristan. Everyone else, that percentage drops significantly.

This vacation... I've been so excited because I NEEDED to be away, from ALL people, that badly. I don't know what I was thinking, maybe I thought it would 'cure' me, I don't know. Either way I think that my expectations were so much higher than they realistically should have been. But... still. What are vacations for? To escape for a few days, you know? Even buildings can make me nervous. I am so much more at ease in nature.

But I'm not at all excited anymore. There's going to be people there, outside of my comfort zone. We're going to be using some of their equipment. What if I don't handle it right? There's no bathrooms there, Tris cut a hole in the bottom of a 5 gallon bucket, mainly just for me. Is there going to be a place hidden enough for it, now that there will be other people there? Will this place be close enough to the tent so I don't have to wake Tris up for my multiple middle of the night pregnancy pisses? The dude is going through a nasty split-up right now, what if I say the wrong thing? Should I show any sort of affection towards Tris? Would that be 'painful' to his brother? Or would not touching Tris seem very unnatural and make his brother self-conscious, knowing why I'm doing it? What if I have to discipline the kids? He might not approve. What if I don't approve of something his daughter does? Am I allowed to say anything?

I don't even want to do this anymore. Impending vacations aren't supposed to make you want to cry.


I'm not selfish. At all. I can definitely see where I might come off that way. Again, a misunderstood flaw. Does this mean no one really quite 'gets' me? I wish I could just 'suck it up" and not give a shit what anyone thinks of me, but I've NEVER been able to do it. It's not an easy thing to do. That's the one thing I will never be able to say: "Gee, Officer Krupke.... krup you!" You have no idea how badly I wish I could. I want to experience freedom like you wouldn't believe.